Big Fat Lie

Recently I have watched a member of my small group shrink. Really, like by over 130 lbs, and still shrinking. I was intrigued. So what did I do? I asked his wife what was going on. So she went on to explain what he had been doing, it was a combination of formulated shakes, soups etc that he had about 5 times per day and 1 main meal. So I thought well it worked for him so I think I want to give it a try.

I did the research, found out what the philosophy was behind it and once I was completely sold on it I plunked down my money for a months supply. I waited about a week for my first "kit" to come in the mail. In that week I think I must have talked to 6 or so people about it. They were all so excited and curious. I must say I had my "I really believe in it" hat on. It is one of those moments that when I wear it I really have to be careful what I'm talking about or I could talk someone into jumping off a bridge. (this made me not really able to trust what people said because I felt that I had talked them into it before they had a chance to think for themselves) I don't know why people listen to me and believe what I say but for some reason when I get passionate about something this thing lights up inside of me and it becomes contagious. I really should put that to good use one of these days.

My plan was to start the plan after we got back from our 5 day cruise to Mexico. I mean really who diets for a just the week before they go on a cruise.. really? So when the box arrived I was so excited I took it with me in the van to do school pick ups and read the material while waiting for the kids. I couldn't wait the 2 weeks until we got back so I decided to do it for a "trial" week and get a feel for it then go on the cruise hoping that it would put me in a healthy eating mode and I might do better on the cruise because of it. And perhaps I would lose a little weight so that whatever I might gain on the cruise would just be nullified.

Day1 Hunger. I knew this day would be the day I felt hunger again. I haven't always allowed myself to feel hunger, usually the days stress would get me before then. I ate every 2-3 hours just as the plan had said and I did it with enthusiasm. Lost 3 lbs this day.

Day 2 Less Hunger. This day I had to start mildly keeping myself busy when i would have usually been snacking. I didn't feel that hunger as strongly today but it was usually there by the time I was ready to eat again. Lost 2 lbs this day

Day 3 Stress. They say when you start this type of diet that you crash part was through the first week and to expect it. I had a stress crash. I was tired and I wasn't ready for my cruise. I had shopping to do and that stressed me out because I didn't like the way anything looked on me. However, when I found myself at target trying on clothes for the first time in a long time I was walking out of the dressing room with some keepers! This brightened my day and things were looking up again. Lost 1 lbs this day.

Day 4 Exhausted. This must have been the day that my glucose stores were gone and my body had to go into fat burning mode. I was exhausted, my legs and my feet were so tired just from doing church that morning. I wanted to collapse but the day just kept marching on and I was a bit cranky toward the end. Lost 1/2 lb this day.

Day 5 Today. Hmmm the truth comes out. Well I have been doing better than I had imagined on this plan so far. I have been enjoying much of the foods that are provided. I have LOVED the new recipes I got from that small group member that has shed 130+ lbs. THANKS! But today was different. I had some normal and not so normal stresses and instead of going to food (which I didn't even think of!) I reflected on my behavior. I was acting like such a child. I was being selfish and inconsiderate. I had been unloving and rude. I had put myself before others even when they were having a hard time. Now this had way more to do with what was going on in my head than anything that I actually acted on but I was shocked and embarrassed to think that I had felt this way.

They say on this diet that after a short while two things happen. #1 The fog in your mind lifts #2 In women that are over weight they store estrogen in fat, when you lose this weight rapidly your body has to release the estrogen giving the effect of some pretty ugly PMS. I give that credit to putting a magnifying glass on the real thoughts and emotions I have been feeling. The fog lifting (from not carb hiding my emotions) I give credit to being able to assimilate those feelings into coherent thoughts. And finally I give credit to a low carb diet to taking away the cravings that drove me to the kitchen in the first place to swollow my problems away. Today I had to come face to face with one of I'm sure many unresolved issued that I have had in my life. I have to make a conscious decision to resolve these things in my mind, act like a grown up and doesn't try to always get her way.

So all that to say I feel like I've been living one BIG FAT LIE after another. In my mind that is. When I get upset at someone I often just bitch and whine and eat some food. Then I "feel" better. I don't really resolve anything. So after years and years of doing this not only am I carrying around that baggage of feeling like a bad person I'm carrying the physical baggage that shows just how many conflicts and emotions I have stuffed down.

I'm encouraged that this way to lose weight allows me to deal with one thing at a time. I don't have to worry about what I'm eating because it is pretty brainless so I can focus on fixing some of the underlying problems that have caused the issue in the first place. Then, once I've lost all the excess weight and hopefully undone a lot of damage in my mind and emotions, I can move on to the transition and maintenance phases that allow a very slow transition and learning curve into how to feed my body when my mind is well. I don't think I've ever had my mind well enough to this without being being pulled into the kitchen and drawn to every nasty thing that my body tells me will numb the pain.

As of 4 days in I've lost a total of 6.5 lbs. Yes I know much is water, but I still think that is pretty darn good, I'm excited to see what the whole week shows and then how I fair on the cruise. I'm already looking forward to getting back and jumping back on track to go for the long haul. I'm guessing at this point that it will take about 6-9 months to reach my goal. So I say bring it on!

Please forgive the typos its late and I just had to get all that off my chest.